Most days I’m really great, some days I’m really not.
February 19, 2009
Okay, so silly me I didn’t nearly get to finish the list I wanted to in the previous post, so here is where I must actually look inside and think about myself. My true beauty.
- How outgoing I can be, you only live once so why not speak what’s on your mind? Or better yet do what you can.
- Sometimes I can be quite silly but being too serious is sooo boring.
- I am very caring, to not only my friends but strangers as well. I just always feel like everyone needs to be happy, which can sometimes be a problem if not done the right way, but I like to know how people are. :)
- I’m very strong when it comes to most things, but there are times when God can turn me into a baby in a heart beat. But I know I can reconstruct myself and be a whole new and better person because of it.
- I am generous with my time and love, I would give up hours of sleep to help a friend or do something for someone.
These are just some of the FEW things that I love about my personality. What do you enjoy? :)
I hope everyone realizes how beautiful they are, inside and out!
February 15, 2009
The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.
There is nothing more serene than hearing someone tell you that you are beautiful, worthy, breathtaking, and loved. I think many of us take saying or feeling that for granted. So many girls never give themselves the chance to call themselves this, and I for one have been one of them for far too long. I need to stop spending time staring at something I see as ugly and start appreciating myself and the woman I am. Sure, I sound cliche right now but this is something I know people with every day, sometimes affecting their lives to the point of utter depression and sorrow for being who they are, and that’s just not right.
In the past, I had been very down on my appearance and used to take people very seriously about certain comments and spend way too much time figuring out how to look, dress, and be. Now I see it is just a waste, even though in the back of my mind I already realized that. That is one big thing I don’t get about some girls, some take hours to get ready or pick out an outfit and when they do, it shows about 90% of their bodies and 0% of their face because they wear too little clothes and too much makeup. I even hear from guys all the time, “don’t wear makeup, natural is better.” Anyways, there are many things I do not like about myself, out of human nature of course, but there are a million more things I love about myself!
- I love my smile, I feel like I nearly don’t smile enough.
- My green eyes are so pretty and I would never want another color.
- My tattoo is a part of me, and I don’t regret it.
- My hair and how nicely it is growing in.
- I like my freckles and little nicks and nacks and scars from life.
- I like the way my body is, every single part of it.
Even though I may be envious of others from time to time ( I wish I never was), I still would never trade myself to be anyone else.
I was shaking to my core today with every word. It takes a few moments to take in the thought that you are truly beautiful, that you capture someone’s attention every single moment. That someone completely loves you the way you are, without any hesitations.
God is my King and I am his princess. I don’t want anything other than what I deserve, and lately I have not been shown anything so. This is probably because of myself, because I am not working harder serving, putting my all into trusting God, and loving Him entirely.
Wish me luck,
Goodbye.
October 2, 2008
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.
Just because a lot of things seem to suck and I am not always so happy, doesn’t mean I don’t love my God and know that I am blessed. Sometimes I just don’t realize it all right away.
I want to say that there is always hope.
September 23, 2008
I haven’t felt this cold in months, physically and mentally.
I love autumn and the crisp leaves changing colors. I love the smell of wood stoves and pumpkin spice floating around. I love October and how dark it can seem. I love bundling up. I love Halloween.
Lately, I’ve been so sick. I can’t sleep, I can barely eat, I worked all weekend long, and classwork is killing me. I can’t help but feel dizzy and tired all day and mostly nausea as well. If the stress of all of this wasn’t enough, I’ve felt overly negative about myself too.
The depression is rearing its ugly head and I just want to stab it in the face really.
I can’t help but cry everyday. I shouldn’t be this sad. I don’t want to be this sad. I do love my friends and I do love a lot about my life, but lately things just seem very awful. I miss Ally. I can’t go a day without thinking something about her.
I can’t go a day without hating something about myself.
I’m not writing this for you to feel pity, just to say what is truly going on right now.
I just want to feel better. I don’t want to feel broken or alone anymore. I want to be happy.
September 5, 2008
I’ve decided that I am going to do the ‘partial fast’ and ‘thing fast’. I’ve already started the ‘thing fast’, and I’m fasting from fast food/fast food places completely. No french fries, no tacos, no any of that. I started Monday and will keep it going for the rest of the month. My ‘partial fast’ is going to start either tomorrow or Saturday with Danielle. We’re gonna keep each other accountable and it’s going to be hard. I’m so excited to see what God will do with me in this journey. I will crave Him more than ever.
I love how much this church is progressing and experiencing with the Holy Spirit.
August 30, 2008
College is interesting to say the least. Everyone seems to have the same demeanor, one of pure shyness. It might just be because it’s the first week, but still I’m surprised. I’m sad to admit I only have two real friends right now, Sarette and Toph. I just met Toph like a month ago through some friends in Old Saybrook, he’s a pretty hilarious kid and is in my English class. Luckily, Sarette is in two of my classes. Speaking of classes… so far so good. My oceanography lab course is so long! Three hours… ugh. My psychology and english classes are looking quite tough, I just hope I don’t become ragged with work. My classmates are pretty decent, there’s a nice guy in my lab class that helped me out the whole three hours and he was pretty cute too. One of the best things about my school is that it’s right out on the water of Long Island Sound. Everytime I step out of my car or a building, all I can smell is the fresh aroma of salty waters. The cool breezes relieve me of my stress as I walk from class to the cafe’. Sometimes, when I am free for two hours, I grab my Little Mermaid blankie and lay it out on the lawn and just relax with a book. It’s so nice.
Okay, now some of the negatives. It was my second day of class and I already had to write a paper, it was aggravating. I have to drive for a good forty-five minutes, which means I leave my house about two hours in advance of a class. It uses all of my gas to go anywhere. Because I’m in school, I have basically no time to work, which means no monies. And so far I know nobody and get lost all the time.
Other than that, I really am enjoying my college. I just really miss a lot of my friends that are gone, even a few towns away.
Recently, my health has been pretty superb. It’s quite fascinating how happy and good I’ve felt, considering this new stress. My depression has been relatively good and I think I am going of my meds. It’s going to suck changing this way, especially with my awful insomnia… but I’m sure with faith I can overcome this small trial.
It’s great to be alive and I am so blessed to be where I am.
August 24, 2008
I wrote this on Thursday night when I had a complete spiritual revival. I was so good and I just had to write down what I was feeling and thinking. God is love. God loves me. God loves you.
God, I love you with all my heart & soul. I thank you for tonight, for the moon, and the stars. I thank you for the stories and prophecies that I have witnessed. I thank you for letting me see my laziness, where the devil is fighting me, but I know he has lost. Lord, I thank you for your love that was revealed to me tonight. The peace & comfort I have found. You’re renewed me like no other. God, I thank you for everything and everyone. I love you, thank you, and praise you… today, tomorrow, and forever.
Amen.
